英语翻译跪求一篇英语相声要带翻译的别太短也别太长,不要低级庸俗的,最好是中国的相声演员的相声用英语翻译过来的,只要双人说的有的别藏着啊啊啊啊啊

英语翻译跪求一篇英语相声要带翻译的别太短也别太长,不要低级庸俗的,最好是中国的相声演员的相声用英语翻译过来的,只要双人说的有的别藏着啊啊啊啊啊
英语翻译
跪求一篇英语相声要带翻译的别太短也别太长,不要低级庸俗的,最好是中国的相声演员的相声用英语翻译过来的,只要双人说的有的别藏着啊啊啊啊啊

英语翻译跪求一篇英语相声要带翻译的别太短也别太长,不要低级庸俗的,最好是中国的相声演员的相声用英语翻译过来的,只要双人说的有的别藏着啊啊啊啊啊
甲：今天,我给大家说段相声!哦,这位奶奶问我怎么一个人说?当然两个人了,不过,我那搭档,从来就没准时过……您瞧,咱们说好9点钟演出的,这都8点60了还没见个鬼影.
乙：说什么那?
甲：呦,您……您这是怎么了?
乙：别提了,都是那破英语给闹的!
甲：怎么了?都怎么了?快说来听听!
乙：唉,我们班老师说了!中国加入WTO了,北京申奥成功了,如东洋口港也动工了,咱们豫北小学的学生不学英语就不能上初中了.
甲：也,挺顺那!学英语好事情那!
乙：是好事情呀!就是我这人——背!
甲：怎么个背了?
乙：倒霉事全让我给碰上了!
甲：哦,那说给大伙听听!
乙：你这人什么意思?
甲：怎么了?
乙：我倒霉都成这样了,你还让我说出来,不存心出我洋相吗?
甲：您误会了,我绝对不是那意思!
乙：那你什么意思?
甲：我问您那!
乙：说!
甲：你这些倒霉事情都是您亲自倒霉的?
乙：废话!还有别人代替倒霉这说?
甲：让您再把这些倒霉事碰上一遍行不?
乙：你存心损我那!
甲：那您希望我们这些观众朋友都象你一样倒霉吗!
乙：不愿意!
甲：为什么?
乙：要都象这样,谁还能腾出手来给我鼓掌!
甲：那您今天讲出来不就结了!
乙：行,我……咳,给这小子绕进去了!
甲：呵呵!
乙：今天我就豁出这个老脸不要了,给大伙说说!
甲：好!大伙给鼓鼓掌掌!
乙：话说,这英语上课第一天!
甲：怎么了?
乙：我哥和妹就死了!
甲：啊!您别吓唬人那!
乙：谁吓唬您了!我们老师说的,这白纸黑字的得给我爸爸看看!
甲：哦,那您说说是怎么回事!
乙：这第一课有这么两句对话!
Good morning boys and girls!
Good morning!Miss bai!
甲：是这两句,意思是 早上好,孩子们! 早上好,白小姐!
乙：girls和miss这两个单词我怎么也记不住发音!
甲：记不住就要反复练!
乙：我想了一个法子!
甲：什么法子!
乙：给英语单词加上汉字翻译!
甲：这不行.
乙：这有什么不行的?
甲：这不利于你以后英语的学习!
乙：我才不管这么多那,这么一翻译,我全记住了!
甲：哦,你都怎么翻译的.
乙：girls我给翻译成 哥死 miss我给翻译成妹死
甲：感情你哥哥妹妹第一天这么就给你弄死的!
乙：唉,别提了,这一下课,我拿着我这发明专利满教室吹那!没想到给老师逮着了!
甲：这回惨了!
乙：老师一看,脸都气歪了,罚我抄写100遍,抄得我这又白又嫩的小手都快肿得跟猪 爪样了的!
甲：活该!
乙：我这是吃一亏长一智那!
甲：哦,不翻译了!
乙：对,不翻译了,我不翻译在纸上,我翻译在心上!我看我们白……（转过去对甲）白老师今天在这吗?
甲：不在!
乙：我看白老师怎么罚我!
甲：咳,你这人!
乙：学了还没一星期!全家连我在内都被我翻译得死光!
甲：啊,都怎么死的!
乙：唉!爷爷死在Yes上,奶奶死在Nice上,爸爸死在Bus上,妈妈死在Must上,哥哥死在Girls上,姐姐死在Jeeps上,我死在Was上,家里的猫死在 Mouse上,狗死在Goes,最后学了Does就都死了,学了 School全家就死光了.
甲：我给大伙翻译一下,看看他家里人都怎么死的,您听好了：他爷爷死的是,奶奶死的好,爸爸死在公共汽车上,妈妈死的应当,哥哥死在女孩子上,姐姐死在吉普车上,自己也是该死了,然后家里的猫死在老鼠上,一条狗去了也死了,学了做后都死了,学到学校之后死光了!
乙：星期五老师让我把英语考试成绩拿回家!
甲：考了多少分?
乙：100分!
甲：哦,考得到是不错!
乙：是不错,一下子带回去四张试卷,加起来一共100分!
甲：平均一次25分那!
乙：我爸爸一看,骂了我半天250!
甲：是该骂!有你这么学英语的吗!
乙：爸爸晚上给我加了道菜,鞋底红烧小屁股!我算彻底醒悟了!
甲：恩,知错就改还是好孩子!
乙：我就天天学,好好学,使劲学,拼命学……
甲：学得怎么样?
乙：一张卷子就考了100分!
甲：不错,进步很大!值得表扬!
乙：学好了也遭殃了!
甲：学好了怎么遭殃了?
乙：你记得我家旁边那邻居家大个子吗?
甲：记得!就那个说中国话都（学一段结巴）这样的!
乙：就这个四肢发达,嘴巴结巴的二狗子打我的!.
甲：他干吗打你了?
乙：他不是上初一吗?
甲：对!
乙：初一不是也有英语吗!
甲：初一英语那时必修课!
乙：你想就他那中国话都学不好的档次,英语肯定是一个字.
甲：什么?
乙：bad!
甲：他英语差碍你了?
乙：唉,就上个周末!不知道哪个老师,布置了一张全是英文翻译中文的卷子.
甲：周末布置点作业没什么那!
乙：他没什么,我有事了!
甲：怎么了!
乙：他找我来问问题了!
甲：那就有什么教什么!
乙：就他那块头,我这身板!我敢不教他吗.
甲：那不是很好吗!
乙：该死就该死在这个出卷子的老师上.
甲：怎么了.
乙：那题目条条都是要命的!
甲：哦怎么个要命法!
乙：我一个人演不了,要咱们配合一下,我演二狗子,你演我.
甲：行!
乙：你正在看电视呢,我拿着卷子近来问你题目,你一边看电视一边回答!
甲：行!
乙：小毛驴!
甲：唉,（这都什么名字,没个好听的）
乙：我……我问你两……两道题目.这个“i don’t know.“是……是……是……什么意思?
甲：我不知道
乙：你别……别看电视了,你怎……怎么会都……都不……不知道!
甲：不是!就是“我不知道”吗!
乙：还嘴……嘴硬!(一个巴掌)
那“i know.“是……是什么意思,你……你该……该知道吧.
甲：是“我知道“
乙：知……知道就……就快说.
甲：就是“我知道“
乙：找……找……茬呀你?刚才收拾……收拾的轻了是不?
甲：就是我知道呀!
乙：知道……知道你还不说!不懂……不……不要装懂! (又一顿爆揍) 你……你给我小……小心点,不就英……英语学得好!跟谁……谁摆谱,再问你最……最后一个,说……说不出来我……我收拾你,“i know but i don’t want to tell you.“是什么意思?
甲：我知道,但是我就不想告诉你!
乙：我一听这题目,我敢翻译吗?我拿起枕头往头上爆砸三十几下,用头撞墙四十多下,双手轮番抽自己嘴巴五十多下,我问他,我不会,这下你满意吧?
甲：满意了不?
乙：总算走了,不过一会儿就来问我了,
“i hear nothing,reapt. 是what意思啊“
甲:“我没听清,再说一次“
乙:i hear nothing,reapt“
甲：我没听清,再说一次“
乙：我这是话音刚落,就被爆扁.
最后问了一句：look up in the dictionary是什么意思!
甲：“查字典”
乙：我刚说出口,拳头!那么大的拳头嗖的就飞过来.
甲：那你!
乙：我连忙改口：邻居是最好的朋友!
甲：你怎么瞎说!
乙：我敢说实话吗!再说实话我不得一命呜呼那!
甲：唉,看来你是够倒霉的,我象你表示哀悼!
乙：行了,这也不早了,我还得赶着去医院换药!
甲：行,那你走好!
乙：good bye 您那!
甲：什么?
乙：狗他大伯你那!
甲：他又给翻译上了!

【看来之前的回答你不满意，那么我重新找了一个相声，不过没翻译，如果你需要可以给我留言】
T---Tiger F---Fox R---Rabbit B---Bird Fr---Frog B----Bear ( 狐假虎威)
Tiger: I’m a great tiger. I’m very strong. I’m very brave. I’m the king of the fo...

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【看来之前的回答你不满意，那么我重新找了一个相声，不过没翻译，如果你需要可以给我留言】
T---Tiger F---Fox R---Rabbit B---Bird Fr---Frog B----Bear ( 狐假虎威)
Tiger: I’m a great tiger. I’m very strong. I’m very brave. I’m the king of the forest.But now I’m very hungry. I must find sth. to eat at once, or I’ll die immediately. Oh, there’s nothing here. And here is nothing, either. Oh, I want to have a rest. (Sleep soundly)
Fox: I’m a fox. You can see, I’m pretty and lovely. I’m good at cheating 0and telling lies. Just now I cheated a crew out of a piece of meat. Mm, Mm, Mm. How delicious it is!
Tiger: Ah, a fox. A good meal. Ah, a good meal.
Fox: Oh, my God! What should I do? Yes, I have a good idea. Yes, a good idea. Hello! Tiger sister! How are you?
Tiger: Not so good. I’m very hungry now. I want to eat you.
Fox: Oh, my dear! How dare you say that! I’m the king of the forest! I’m the king of the forest! If you want to eat me, I will let you die right now.
Tiger: She is the king. She is cheating me. I can’t belive her. I’m the king of the forest here.
Fox: If you don’t believe me, just follow me and see who is the king of the forest.
Tiger: Ok. Let’s go.
Rabbit: I’m a rabbit. I like to eat a turnip. Ah, a big turnip. Oh! It’s too hard. I can’t pull it out.
Bird: I’m a bird.
Rabbit: Hi!
Bird: Hi! What are doing here, Miss Rabbit? Can I help you?
Rabbit: Yes, please.
Frog: I’m a frog. Hello! What are you doing here? What can I do for you?
R&B: Yes, come on!
Frog : Ok! I’m coming!
Bear: I’m a big brown bear. Hello, everyone! What are you doing here?
R,B&F: Come on! Come on! Mr. Bear! You are so strong. Please come here. There is a big turnip. We are all puling it out. Please come and help us.
Bear: Ok! I’m coming.
Fox: Hello, Bear!
Bear: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away)
Fox: Hello, Frog!
Frog: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away)
Fox: Hello, Bird!
Bird: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away)
Fox: Hello, Rabbit!
Rabbit: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away)
Fox: Tiger, Now, you see. They are so frightened! They all run away!
Tiger: Yes, you are right. It’s true. I’m very sorry. You are the king of the forest. That’s all right. I will run away. He is the king. He is the king.
Fox: Wa! There is a big turnip. Now, the turnip belongs to me.
正文结束

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校园小品
人物：团支书，小艾，小玲，小伍
场景：教室
团支书：同学们，同窗们，同志们，同胞们，同。。。同。。。同什么们！请大家听 说一句！
三人：说吧。
团支书：你们听不听啊？
三人：听着呢！
团支书：真的听？
三人：真的!
团支书：确定？
三人：确定。
团支书：不反悔？
三人：...

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校园小品
人物：团支书，小艾，小玲，小伍
场景：教室
团支书：同学们，同窗们，同志们，同胞们，同。。。同。。。同什么们！请大家听 说一句！
三人：说吧。
团支书：你们听不听啊？
三人：听着呢！
团支书：真的听？
三人：真的!
团支书：确定？
三人：确定。
团支书：不反悔？
三人：不反悔。
团支书：你们是认真的？没骗 ？
三人：你说不说啊？
团支书：噢， 开始说了！---- 要说什么来的？
三人晕倒。校园小品剧本：搞笑幽默相声小品短剧本台词
Sketch figures on campus: college party branch secretary,xiaoai, Xiaoling, Wu scenes small: the party branch secretaries college classroom: students, alumni, and comrades, fellow citizens, the same. . . The same. . . What are the same!
Let us hear one!
Three: Well. Party branch secretary
Mission: listening you ah?
Three: to listen to go again!
Party branch secretary Mission: really listening?
Three: really!
Three: to determine. Party branch secretary
Mission: not go back?
Three: do not go back. Party branch secretary
Mission: Are you serious? Did not cheat?
Three: You say that ah? Party branch secretary
Mission: Oh, the beginning of that!
---- What to say? Three people fainted. Campus short script: comedy humor skit short comic script lines

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The Old Cat
An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mou...

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The Old Cat
An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it.
Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young."
意思就是：老猫
一位老妇有只猫，这只猫很老，它跑不快了，也咬不了东西，因为它年纪太大了。一天，老猫发现一只老鼠，它跳过去抓这只老鼠，然而，它咬不住这只老鼠。因此，老鼠从它的嘴边溜掉了，因为老猫咬不了它。
于是，老妇很生气，因为老猫没有把老鼠咬死。她开始打这只猫，猫说：“不要打你的老仆人，我已经为你服务了很多年，而且还愿意为你效劳，但是，我实在太老了，对年纪大的不要这么无情，要记住老年人在年青时所做过的有益的事情。”
这算是一篇讲理的文章吧。我的作业上也碰到过。还是挺简单的

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今天呢，给各位说一段英语相声。
这位大家都认识，XXX我的搭档
小号吹得好！ 就是最近啊，身体不好
尤其这次病的挺严重的，都破相了。
痔疮。 呵呵，开个玩笑
就上个星期吧，XXX给我打点话：走啊，一起游泳去
我说：不去！ 我嫌脏，游泳池里面有很多人都在里面撒尿
他说：别怕，我们也可以尿！
最后还是他一个人去了。

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今天呢，给各位说一段英语相声。
这位大家都认识，XXX我的搭档
小号吹得好！ 就是最近啊，身体不好
尤其这次病的挺严重的，都破相了。
痔疮。 呵呵，开个玩笑
就上个星期吧，XXX给我打点话：走啊，一起游泳去
我说：不去！ 我嫌脏，游泳池里面有很多人都在里面撒尿
他说：别怕，我们也可以尿！
最后还是他一个人去了。
当天下午3点，打电话给我：哥，带2000块赎我来吧，尿尿让人逮着了。
去把他领回来。问他怎么回事，他说：他们都在池子里尿的，我是站在岸边尿的。
过两天，他自己又去了。下午又给我打电话：兄弟。来赎我来吧，又让人逮着了
去把他领回来，问他：又站岸边尿了？ 他说：没有啊。这次在池子里尿的，不过这几天有点上火，尿是黄的。
Today, I would like to present a cross-talk.
This is XXX, my partner, everybody knows him.
He blows his trumpet very well! But he has been indisposed recently
This time he’s really very sick, he’s disfigured.
Hemorrhoids. Ha ha, it’s just a joke.
Just last week, XXX gave me a call: “Come, let’s go swimming ”
I answered: “No, it’s dirty; lots of people urinate in the pool”
He said: “Don’t worry, we also can urinate!”
Finally he went alone.
Later in the afternoon at three o’clock, he called me: “Brother, please bring 2000 Yuan to bail me out, I was caught urinating.”
I asked him what’d happened after taking him back, he said: “They urinated in the pool, but I did it standing at the poolside.”
Two days later, again he went there alone. In the afternoon, he called me again: “Brother, I was caught again, come and bail me.”
After bringing him back, I asked: “Urinated at the poolside again?”
He answered: “No, this time I did it in the pool, but these few days I have excessive internal heat, my urine was yellow. ”
这里有很多，自己找找就可以了．http://www.playauthor.com/Article/ShowClass.asp?ClassID=2

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